How an Indian American woman found the courage to break the mold.
By Rachel Varkey Samuel
G
rowing up in a conservative Indian Christian immigrant community, I struggled to grasp a predetermined, “purpose-filled” life. From a young age, I was told my life would be fulfilled with clear and easy transitions: a college education; entering the workforce with a steady but not overly demanding nine-to-five job; marriage to a care-providing husband; and, finally, having children of my own to restart the circle of life.
But, for as long as I can remember, that never felt like enough. Even then, I knew I had been purposed for something much larger. I didn’t just want the job, husband, and kids. My purpose, though unclear, was rooted in something bigger. I had an appetite for breaking the mold and escaping the comfortable.
A greater calling had to be discovered, and I was determined to find it.
My parents didn’t receive this preteen resistance well. I remember many conversations with my mom in my yellow childhood bedroom, telling me to “stop tooting your own horn.” If there were to be anything great in my future, it would be due to the hard work and commitment to faith of my parents, grandparents, and the generations before me.
Many Asian Americans experience some form of honor-shame culture in their family of origin. My parents conditioned me to believe family and reputation were everything. Their pre-scripted life for me was based on their perceived value of what was considered respectable. Keeping me in the mold, doing what is expected and valued by their community was their way of ensuring they—and I—would hold close to our cultural identity in a foreign place.
But I had always craved adventure and exploration. I didn’t care as much about the things my parents valued, like what I studied, whom I married, or how I behaved compared to the model women in our community.
When I went to college, I began to explore my identity and faith. I was surrounded by people with unique experiences who challenged me to value all my complex components—the Indian woman, the Christian, and the sense of adventure I carried within me.
A few years later, I took the unexpected step of leaving my parent’s city and home while still unmarried. I had no other purpose than to explore my dreams of living on my own in New York City. When I told my dad my decision, he said, in no uncertain terms, that my leaving him would end up killing him.
I fought back tears. But I knew God was pushing me to take this leap of faith, even if it meant disappointing my dad.
My parents begrudgingly helped me move into my first Brooklyn apartment. “You’ll be back in a month,” they said as they walked out the door.
I almost believed them—so much so that I didn’t even have the courage to buy a bed. I slept on an air mattress for weeks. I didn’t trust I could actually survive breaking the prescribed way, living alone without a partner or immediate family nearby.
Despite taking this risk, I settled into my life in New York for four years—finding career opportunities I never expected, friendships that helped me become more authentic, the love of my life, and even the freedom to begin writing.
The Indian in me never knew I could have the courage to live out all the parts of who I am--what was passed down to me by my elders, and new things I explored. Embracing all of me has helped me pursue my purpose. I’ve learned to acknowledge that both the grace of God and my commitment to hard work in the past and present allow me to live freely in the future.
The uncomfortable path challenges you, makes you question who you are, and allows you to walk uninhibited, knowing that God created you with purpose and loves every part of your identity. His creativity in how my life has unfolded allows me to live with purpose.
As I look into my future, I am reminded that the more I embrace the discomfort of uncovering all the layers of who I am in Jesus, the more I make space to see God’s purpose in me.
Rachel Varkey Samuel is an Austin-based writer and connector. She is a firm believer in God showing up in our lives today and stories of origin. She writes to bring a tiny piece of God’s heart in her to the world. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.