By Emily Leung
W
hat am I going to do?
What a question. What am I going to do? The Asian American Christian Collaborative panel, Seeking Understanding: The Lived Experiences of Asian American Female Pastors highlighted the stories of struggle and perseverance of five pastors across the United States. Each woman shared her own experience while speaking into the lives of so many other AAPI women who are engaged in church ministry whether as a lay person or by formal title. Here each of these women, gifted and called, find themselves asking these questions: I don’t believe I’m supposed to be in children’s ministry, to be a missionary, or to marry a pastor, so what am I supposed to do?
The question rings true in my heart and my mind. Where do I go from here? What does it look like to be in ministry in a professional or vocational space? Throughout each pastor’s sharing, there were nuggets of relatability, truth, wisdom, and struggle. Yulee Lee, Senior Director of Staff and Partnerships at the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI), compared some of her experience throughout ministry as something akin to walking in a fun house. Moving through a house of mirrors with distorted angles, shapes, and views, it was as though she couldn’t identify who she was and what she truly looked like. The winding indirect journeys of these women told a story of moving through the fun home and out into a space with more clarity and certainty in their understanding of themselves in the imago Dei.
As the session wrapped up, the final question asked was, “When is it time to leave [church/ministry]?” Talk about burying the lede. I waited to hear each pastor’s perspective. Each situation is different. There are caveats and nuances to one’s place of community or ministry. But I kept thinking about the fun house. I think I may have lost some perspective of what I look like in the image of God and how I belong in active participation within the corporate worship of the body of Christ.
It is in this space of the discussion where I found rest in the stories of the five women. The journeys of each reveal the tapestry of God’s provision. In the darkest moments of misdirection from other pastors, leaders, or elders, they reminded us of the example set by Jesus in the Gospels. The Rabbi who spoke and communed with women. Who advocated for his neighbor and the daughter.
It’s difficult to see the possibilities when the mirror doesn’t reflect reality and I’ve been a bit lost in the dark corners of the fun house. For the last few years, when I have looked at myself in the mirror I haven’t recognized who that person was (can we please cue “Reflection” from Mulan, thank you). However, each corner turned and each step taken brings possibility for new life. Community, therapy, and family continue to encourage me to take the next step.
And by the light of those who came and come before me, I am led out of the fun home and recognize who I am in God’s vision. I am not alone. I am never truly alone. Empowered and encouraged, I am confident in the future conversations shared by those who are faithfully walking through the victories and lamenting together through the strife.
So, what am I going to do? I wait. I wait in hope and anticipation for what God has intended. I don’t know if that means formal ministry or pastorship. But I do know it means continual pursuit to grow in and share Christ’s love. In community with sisters and brothers in the family of God, together we work to create space for opportunity and possibility. We ask questions and we reexamine our privilege. Together we are able to build one another up and advocate for transformation to recognize God’s provision and gifting of each child of God.
