By Abigail Vilar
I
am from broken crayons
from happy meals and Baskin Robbins
I am from the wallpaper in the living room.
(rectangular, floral; smells like a rice cooker and Vicks.)
I am from the pothos, peony,
(that has flower buds the size of elephants).
I’m from karaoke,
high blood pressure and stubbornness,
from Delrosario and Viloria .
I’m from “Did you eat yet?” and “Practice your piano,”
From “Don’t get to dark or you’ll smell like the sun”
and also “No one will ever be good enough for you like Daddy is.”
I’m from Amazing grace and What would Jesus do?
From sunday school to private school,
memorizing, reciting, and praying,
to being dismissed because of leaving
even though what is being preached from the pulpit
is problematic and not reaching my heart.
The building has become the idol and its people have forgotten the one sheep.
Trusting in Him was never the issue, but placing faith in people was the mistake.
I’m continually trusting in Him, as I try to regrow my relationship with those
who say they follow and love as He loves.
I’m from the 209 hood and the tropical PI,
from fresh pandesal and iced coffee - always half sweet.
From the Aunt that eloped with her abuser at 19,
the first job Dad took at Subway when he immigrated to the US,
the first tease about “what's in your lunchbox” in 2nd grade,
becoming the first-generation in my family to earn the title M.ed,
finally knowing what my grandpa physically looked like for the first time as an adult,
not knowing how many more days Dad is promised,
unlearning how to stop people-pleasing and finding my voice,
and understanding that my validation is not connected to my performance
but I am loved regardless even if I don’t meet a stranger’s expectations.
Under my bed and in my closet are many boxes, full of cards and photos,
and notes of appreciation and well wishes.
It is those moments - those closed chapters - that remind me that where I have already been has been a gift,
and where I am going is a mystery, but I am choosing to be content in the journey of letting
love be greater than my fear.
Inhale, exhale, here’s to the next step.
Photo by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash
Abigail is a Filipina American educator in the Bay Area. She currently works for a public charter school that focuses on college readiness and mentors students to daily strive and achieve the best version of themselves. She earned her M.Ed in Education with teacher certification from Alder GSE and B.A. in Teaching with a Social Science concentration from HIU. She enjoys the beach on her off days, is a plant momma and dog momma to Rockie, and enjoys good food, better coffee, and great company and conversation on the daily!
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