Between Worlds: Rethinking Honor

By Sarah Prem Manogarom

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came to New Zealand as a five-year-old, quite unaware of the gap that would form between my home culture and the one I would grow up in. Over time, the differences in values between my collectivist Indian culture and the individualistic New Zealand Kiwi culture came to a clash, especially in my relationship with my parents. From Sunday school, I knew that God said we must honor our parents (Exod. 20:12). I also knew that my parents and our Indian community placed great value on parental honor. But those two commands, while seemingly supportive of each other, became quite a struggle when the people I went to school with, those who taught me, and those I interacted with on a day-to-day basis, had vastly different ideas on how to relate to parental figures. There are varying levels and definitions of honor in each Asian culture, but a common question remains especially for those of us who are Christian: Is it honor to blindly obey and give up our true selves in order to uphold a standard we did not set? Or is there a way to live our unique God-given identity in the face of clashing cultures, while also honoring this Biblical command?

In traditional Asian culture, and certainly in the Indian culture that I grew up in, honor is relational, communal, and duty-based. Our vocations, careers, lifestyles, and decisions in life may be scrutinized through an honor-based lens. While the Western society that many of us grow up in places great importance on self-expression and chosen respect, Asian honor translates to sacrifice, family reputation, loyalty, and obedience.

I always pictured myself living in college dorms, like my Western peers. I even found scholarships that would fast-track my application to courses like medicine and engineering (that had secret clauses which required students to live in halls), so that I could finally get the independence that my friends around me talked about and enjoyed so much already. My mother’s reaction to such a plan, however, was not what I dreamed. For me to have even thought, for a fleeting moment, that I was going to leave the house was akin to throwing away their sacrifices: the roof over my head, food on the table, and a good education. It was greatly dishonourable to do such a thing! 

Five years later, I eventually did leave home to work in another city.

While I laugh about it now, my mom's reaction highlighted a stark difference in the realities my parents and I were living in. 

As a first-generation Kiwi-Indian, navigating my Indian heritage and my western lifestyle, honor was a concept I understood only superficially. It meant my decisions on career, marriage, and lifestyle needed to reflect not only my parents themselves but also what a good, Indian Christian upbringing should look like. 

However, the society I grew up in was different. New Zealand has a largely egalitarian culture and, similar to other Western countries, places emphasis on self-sufficiency. From a young age, Kiwi kids are taught to do things for themselves. Leaving home at a young age and making your own way in the world without “mum and dad,” are seen as markers of success. Creating one’s own path at a young age also includes learning to think critically and hold a great deal of autonomy, which usually means questioning why things are the way they are. Much to my parents’ dislike, I picked up the word “why.” 

But of course I learned quickly that this questioning was not going to fly. But the word “why” was the beginning of my journey to understanding why we assign honor to our parents as first or second-generation Asians, and how that might look different to what we think.  

The obvious answer to the “why” question is sacrifice. In moving across the globe, our parents paid a price. They sacrificed all their would-haves, should-haves, and could-haves, not only for us but also for our future generations. Hence, their expectation of honor is not only shaped by tradition and culture but also by their sacrifice and struggle. Some parents expect honor loudly, vocally, and demandingly. Some simply hope for it quietly and unassumingly. How we receive this expectation often shapes our own view of whether or not our parents are deserving of honor.

A question that usually follows is: “I did not ask for them to make that sacrifice for me, so why should I live my life in debt to them for it?” But, as Christians, are we not the same people who live in grace and freedom every day because of what Jesus did on the cross for us? Do we not have opportunities and lives full of good things because our parents made the decision to move us to what they thought was the right place? Do we not walk in freedom and abundance, because our sins are forgiven? We honor God because of his great sacrifice for us and the life we get to live as a result. While our earthly parents may not be perfect, we can still live lives that reflect the faithfulness of God to us, through the lives of our parents. 

But this does not have to look the way we think. Honor does not have to be tied down by tradition. We do not need to blindly obey or be something we are not, in order to represent our parents well. Though I faced many of the challenges of growing up Asian in a majority white school, as the head girl at the end of that journey, I credited my success to my family’s collective effort and sacrifice in getting me to that place. The opportunity to achieve was made possible by them. That was honoring. I remember their pride in my getting a great job after college and moving out. Even though it was unheard of to move out of the home before marriage, I made good on the foundation of their sacrifice and their dreams of better opportunities for me. Every time I use my talents in writing or speaking for God’s glory, they are honored. Even though it is not the path that they had imagined for me, I am still living out God’s will for my life. A life that started with their saying yes to God, despite the cost. 

We honor our parents not only by lip service or empty traditions, but also by living life in a way that is reflective of the sacrifices they have made. Whether we are Asian American, Asian Australian, Kiwi Asian, first or second generation Asian, or even a third culture kid, it is no doubt that the worlds we navigate are very complex. But above all, as Christians, we know that Jesus came and sacrificed so that we might have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). So, we can carry out his commandments not out of mere duty or obligation, but out of thanksgiving for what he has done, while we were undeserving (Rom. 5:8). In the same way, while acknowledging that our fathers and mothers are far from perfect, and that they too navigate this cross-cultural journey, we abide by God’s commandment to live, making full use of the life gifted to us. In this way we can view honoring our father and mother, as not just a command to be obeyed, but also as a life lived representing the faithfulness of God in the life he gave to us through our parents.

Photo by Glen Jackson on Unsplash

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Sarah Prem Manogarom is a first-generation Kiwi Indian, born in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, and raised in New Zealand. A pastor’s daughter from a family rooted in missions and ministry, she is passionate about exploring the experiences of first- and second-generation Asian diaspora, especially young women and Asian Christians. Through her writing, Sarah seeks to show how faith and culture can intersect and hopes her story encourages others to live faithfully in their own contexts. You can follow her story and insights on Instagram and YouTube.

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